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Welcome to the Parents Corner, Timely information to help you improve the quality of your Parenting Skills.
I USED TO BE a perfect parent........by Barbara J. Smyly March 16, 2000 - The Loop - Do not reprint - Copyright 2000
This realization was the first step in showing my children what respect is. Respect is a value that is important for us to pass along to our children and can most effectively be done through demonstration on a day to day basis. Teaching respect takes many forms; respect for themselves, respect for others, respect for property, respect the life around us and respect for our differences. It is an ongoing process, critical for our children because it is the foundation upon which many of our character traits are built and very importantly, the foundation upon which THEY will judge how others treat them now and in the future. Most of us in our day to day dealings with our children and peers are respectful. We say hello when passing, we return phone calls as soon as we can, we respect others property, we respect the laws of the land and we fulfill our kids many daily requests or explain why it is not possible. This is all a part of being respectful to others. The only problem is that we don’t generally call it respect. The first time a child usually hears that word is when we say, "Don’t be disrespectful to..." (if you haven’t said it yet, hang on your day is coming) but do they know what that means if we haven’t labeled those behaviors they do have as being respectful? Contrary to popular belief, kids don’t just wake up one day as the "aliens" we call teenagers, it is a 13/14 year learning process. Let’s start to point out to them all those things they do daily which are respectful of themselves and others. Let’s teach them which actions, opinions and language skills are respectful so that when they are disrespectful or pushing that line they know what correction to take without our having to teach it. Perhaps by teaching them now, they will learn that self respect is not something their friends or peers can give them; but respect will be something they give and therefore demand from both. It gives older children a tool to put into perspective the teasing and taunting that comes with the "alien age" and helps them to put the problem where it belongs...on the one whose mouth is moving. It gives way to the conversation, "Do I respect that person and does their opinion of me count? No?" Problem solved.
CHILD’S PLAY Do Not Reprintby Barbara J Smyly - Copyright 1997 Smyly - 813 996-3659 Published in Q Magazine May 1997 In this the age of the expert, there seems to be a solution to every problem we as adults can muster up. If we feel stress, we exercise more; if our spouse is being critical, we express ourselves, if our kids are getting on our nerves, we schedule a play date. What if our kids were the experts? What if the solution to most of our day to day challenges was to schedule a play date? How often throughout the day do our kids say, " Wanna play"? Since the answer is obviously, "No, because I have to ....." we feel more stress at not giving our young ones what they have asked for. "Parents are so pressured today, " says Margaret Sheridan, Ph.D., chair of the Child Development Department at Connecticut College. "It is seldom that people remember parenting can be great fun, not just a race with the clock and a dash with the car pool!" We as parents often judge those we leave in charge of our children by how much playtime they spend with our kids. Do they play games with them, do they get on the floor and crawl around with them, do our kids have fun, do our kids like being with this person? Perhaps it is time to ask ourselves the same questions and hold ourselves to the same standards not only for our children’s sake but for ours as well. The importance of learning to play cannot be over stressed. What keeps kids going, I am convinced, is not that God made a mistake by giving so much energy to the young while ignoring those of us who really need that burst of energy after dinner; but the fact that kids are always thinking what can I play now? Playing is a child’s way of tuning out reality and creating a perfect world where there is no bedtime, candy is freely given and all requests are answered with an emphatic "Yes!" We as adults could use a bit more fantasy and fun. Our imaginations could use a jump start by learning from our children how important daily play in our schedule really is. Play can reduce stress, give us exercise, improve creativity, restore our sense of humor, inspire patience, teach us gratitude, to be in the moment with ourselves and our children and boost our self esteem. Imagine if after dinner instead of baths, homework, dishes, laundry, work brought home, phone calls and correspondence to return, we had playtime scheduled! We would have a burst of energy too! We have all had the experience of getting three days work done in a day just prior to leaving on vacation. Why? Because we are going to go and do something we enjoy and our energy knows no bounds when we are excited. I can already hear the objections and perhaps this article is producing more stress. I don’t have time to play! I have important things to do which have to be done and a limited amount of time to do them in. I wish I could. Let us consider for a moment the therapeutic effects of play on our children and ourselves as a way to inspire us to have playing be a priority. Most would agree that children learn the most through the use of their imagination, modeling and manipulative’s (toys). Playing can teach children logic, creativity, discipline, humor, social skills, self respect, sharing and conflict resolution skills. It is well known that children model themselves after people whom they respect. All parents hope to be that one who is respected. Taking time to play with our children daily gives them the knowledge that they too are important, that you not only love them but that you can enjoy them as people. It raises their self esteem and makes them more likely to be cooperative during the times it is important for us to have a cooperative child. It is a way of sharing our playfulness with them on their turf. I know many parents who have every moment of every day scheduled for their children thus themselves; sports, dance, theater, riding lessons, music lessons, tutorials, etc. The concern for these families is that people who are over scheduled as children become over scheduled workaholics as adults. These are those of us who have to work 60 hour weeks in order to justify a two week paid vacation; who wake up one day with a teenager we don’t even know; who feel guilty that they had children and missed the day to day enjoyment of raising that child. All our children want from us is to hear us laugh, watch us enjoy them for a few moments each day. Have us listen to their silly riddles and to their "ridiculous conclusions" about how life really is. They want us to play with them. Most of us as adults have forgotten how to just play. We justify what playing we do as a need for exercise as in sports, or as a hobby through bowling or painting or for stress management. We seem embarrassed to be enjoying the moment of play. Play is important in daily life as a way to leave behind the to do lists and goals and free ourselves from the daily pressures of being responsible adults. Enjoying our life through play can free our creativity, give us a different perspective on a problem, build our self esteem as parents, teach us to prioritize not to mention reduce our blood pressure, increase our energy level and give us an overall sense of well being. It is essential to free the "spirit" within us all. Playing is an attitude, it does not take a lot of time. If we look to our role models, those who have the most energy, the most fun and usually the most success, we will find people who love to play; for whom life is one big playground. These are people who never seem to age, who always have an upbeat attitude, who appreciate the little things in life. They have had for the most part the same challenges daily as we have and yet the way they deal with the problems are different. Take the CEO who goes to the park to skip rocks when a major decision has to be made; the chef who comes home to play with play doh and magically figures out a new menu and color schemes; the grandmom who rides a motorcycle in the rain to volunteer at the hospital; the mom who decides if she can’t beat them, join them and sings opera at the top of her lungs to her screaming two year old; these are people who know the importance of playing on their own mental and physical health. The stress that comes with taking ourselves and our daily duties too seriously has many of us yearning to simplify our lives, live in the moment, go with the flow and have more fun in life. Where to begin? Should we sell our home, cut our expenses, find a less stressful job, hire a nanny or a housekeeper? May I suggest before making such critical decisions we sit down with our children or our friends and make a play date? Perhaps that decision could be better made after time at the bowling alley, pool hall, park, dance studio, playground or lake. Maybe a bike ride along the river would clear it up for us or a day of fishing or a BBQ. Whatever the play date, you are assured to have a more clear understanding of what is really missing.....learning again how to play as an adult as if the quality of our life depended on it, which it does. The first thing we need to know about learning to play as an adult is that our permission to ourselves is needed. Permission to feel foolish, to be uncomfortable with where our imagination takes us, to let go of structure for a moment to discover what is in the moment, to laugh until our sides hurt, to be a sentimental fool if the mood strikes. Permission to be fun and silly. Our children can teach us the rest. Just give them the chance. Let’s learn from our kids the values of living and enjoying now. The next time a child asks us, "Will you play with me?" do yourself and that child a favor and just say "Yes".
Here is a sample of Barbara Smyly's Character Education Course. This course is designed to help parents teach Character Education to their children and consists of 9 qualities for parents with children in K-4th grade - 9 qualities for parents with children in 5th-8th grade and 9 qualities for parents with children in 9th-12th grades. GRATITUDE AT HOME, by Barbara Smyly "Gratitude: The state of being thankful" As many parents are coming to realize, we are our children’s constant teachers. From birth throughout life, we are teaching by example those values which we hold dear. As children grow into their own independent lives, the virtue of gratitude becomes increasingly more important. Teaching gratitude at an elementary level gives children greater self esteem, more assurance and encouragement, and increases their belief that every problem has a solution when looked at in a different way. Remembering that children learn as much by observing as they do participating, it becomes imperative for us to model the virtue of gratitude. Some suggestions of ways this can be done daily in our lives are:
"The Purple Cow" Reflections on a Mythic Beast, Who’s Quite Remarkable, at Least I never saw a Purple Cow; I hope never to See One; But I can Tell you, Anyhow, I’d rather See than Be One. Gelett Burgess GENEROSITY AT
HOME, by Barbara Smyly “Generosity:
liberality in giving; giving to others without thinking
of yourself” As the saying goes, “generosity begins at home”. Any parent will tell you they are, by the very fact that they are parents, generous (sometimes to a fault). Teaching children generosity helps them to assimilate the fact there are others around them for whom they must have consideration. It allows them to expand their tolerance levels without challenging their moral values. The virtue of generosity raises their awareness not only of social responsibilities and abilities but of choices and consequences. It helps to teach the difference between pride and vanity. Teaching
generosity is perhaps the easiest virtue of all for parents since it is part
of who we are. We are generous
with our time, money, affection and advise on a daily basis. Some ways to teach generosity to elementary students are:
1.
Make the word generosity the “word of the month” by posting it on
the refrigerator and using it as
many times throughout the day as possible.
Remember to be as generous with your recognition toward the end of the
month when you’ve heard it used a gazillion times as you were on day one! 2. Remind children that living “The Golden Rule” is a way to always be generous to themselves and others. Thank children for sharing their toys, their time, their talent and remind them of how grateful you are to have such a generous, thoughtful child. This is especially important when they didn’t want to.
3.
Children need to know that parents sometimes overlook bad behavior in
an effort to be generous and not embarrass/upset/disrupt the activity.
Let them know at those times that you noticed the behavior and are
choosing to be generous. Teach children that it is sometimes generous to
overlook the mistakes/faults of their peers especially when it would ruin the
time for everyone else or cause embarrassment to their friend.
4. Let
children know when/why you volunteer your time, money, and advise.
Make sure they realize this is a social responsibility that comes with
maturity and not just because “you have nothing better to do”.
Their respect for you will increase,
as it should. 5. Encourage children to volunteer to do something for someone else whether it’s making art work for elderly ill, collecting pennies or teaching a new game to a sibling. This will teach them not only respect for others, but pride in their own generosity.
“THE MEASURE OF A MAN” Not— “How
did he die?” But— “How did he live?” Not—
“What did he gain?” But— “What did he give?” These are the
units to measure the worth Of a man as a
man, regardless of birth. Not—
“What was his station?” But— “Had he a heart?” And— “How
did he play his God-given part? Was he ever
ready with a word of good cheer, To bring back
a smile, to banish a tear?” Not—
“What was his church?” Not— “What was his creed?” But— “Had
he befriended those really in need?” Not— “What did the sketch in the newspaper say?” But— “How
many were sorry when he passed away?” Author Unknown Books to read: “The Selfish Giant” by Mary Rowitz
and “The Gift” by Jennifer Boudart Other Books to read: "Loud Mouse" by Richard Wilbur and "Bedtime Hugs for Little Ones" by Deborah Boone Parents Corner, www.careapy.com, copyright 2001, The Alivening Project, Inc. For more information about Barbara's Character Education Courses call 813 996-3659 or e-mail at barbara@careapy.com PARENTS CORNER, www.careapy.com, copyright 2001, The Alivening Project, Inc. |
